{"id":13838153,"url":"https://github.com/GantMan/Public_Speaking_Hits","last_synced_at":"2025-07-10T21:31:32.237Z","repository":{"id":147666754,"uuid":"586655553","full_name":"GantMan/Public_Speaking_Hits","owner":"GantMan","description":"A Helpful list of quick and useful public speaking lines","archived":false,"fork":false,"pushed_at":"2023-08-22T13:14:06.000Z","size":158,"stargazers_count":38,"open_issues_count":0,"forks_count":1,"subscribers_count":2,"default_branch":"main","last_synced_at":"2024-10-03T12:34:50.837Z","etag":null,"topics":["conference","emcee","mc","presentations","public-speaking"],"latest_commit_sha":null,"homepage":"","language":null,"has_issues":true,"has_wiki":null,"has_pages":null,"mirror_url":null,"source_name":null,"license":null,"status":null,"scm":"git","pull_requests_enabled":true,"icon_url":"https://github.com/GantMan.png","metadata":{"files":{"readme":"README.md","changelog":null,"contributing":null,"funding":null,"license":null,"code_of_conduct":null,"threat_model":null,"audit":null,"citation":null,"codeowners":null,"security":null,"support":null,"governance":null,"roadmap":null,"authors":null}},"created_at":"2023-01-08T21:56:02.000Z","updated_at":"2024-04-09T14:38:26.000Z","dependencies_parsed_at":"2024-01-15T18:46:47.965Z","dependency_job_id":"b8faf47a-d15d-4c50-ad2b-a8fc8e5e87f5","html_url":"https://github.com/GantMan/Public_Speaking_Hits","commit_stats":null,"previous_names":[],"tags_count":0,"template":false,"template_full_name":null,"repository_url":"https://repos.ecosyste.ms/api/v1/hosts/GitHub/repositories/GantMan%2FPublic_Speaking_Hits","tags_url":"https://repos.ecosyste.ms/api/v1/hosts/GitHub/repositories/GantMan%2FPublic_Speaking_Hits/tags","releases_url":"https://repos.ecosyste.ms/api/v1/hosts/GitHub/repositories/GantMan%2FPublic_Speaking_Hits/releases","manifests_url":"https://repos.ecosyste.ms/api/v1/hosts/GitHub/repositories/GantMan%2FPublic_Speaking_Hits/manifests","owner_url":"https://repos.ecosyste.ms/api/v1/hosts/GitHub/owners/GantMan","download_url":"https://codeload.github.com/GantMan/Public_Speaking_Hits/tar.gz/refs/heads/main","host":{"name":"GitHub","url":"https://github.com","kind":"github","repositories_count":225657237,"owners_count":17503538,"icon_url":"https://github.com/github.png","version":null,"created_at":"2022-05-30T11:31:42.601Z","updated_at":"2022-07-04T15:15:14.044Z","host_url":"https://repos.ecosyste.ms/api/v1/hosts/GitHub","repositories_url":"https://repos.ecosyste.ms/api/v1/hosts/GitHub/repositories","repository_names_url":"https://repos.ecosyste.ms/api/v1/hosts/GitHub/repository_names","owners_url":"https://repos.ecosyste.ms/api/v1/hosts/GitHub/owners"}},"keywords":["conference","emcee","mc","presentations","public-speaking"],"created_at":"2024-08-04T15:01:39.367Z","updated_at":"2024-11-21T01:30:40.351Z","avatar_url":"https://github.com/GantMan.png","language":null,"funding_links":[],"categories":["Others"],"sub_categories":[],"readme":"\u003ch1 align=\"center\"\u003ePublic Speaking Hits\u003c/h1\u003e\n\u003cp align=\"center\"\u003e\n\u003cimg align=\"center\" width=\"50%\" src=\"https://user-images.githubusercontent.com/997157/211348690-a1981d38-31ec-4959-8e79-c2fa6a97183f.jpg\" /\u003e\n\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003ch3 align=\"center\"\u003eA Helpful list of quick and useful public speaking lines.\u003c/h3\u003e\n\n\n# Table of Contents\n- [Something Went Wrong](#-something-went-wrong)\n    - [Story or Joke Bombs](#story-or-joke-bombs)\n    - [Computer Crashes](#computer-crashes)\n    - [Failing to Speak Clearly](#failing-to-speak-clearly)\n    - [Someone Trips or Falls](#someone-trips-or-falls)\n    - [Disturbance or Distraction](#disturbance-or-distraction)\n- [Speaker Seasoning](#-speaker-seasoning)\n   - [Openers](#openers)\n   - [Emcee](#emcee)\n   - [Closers](#closers)\n   - [Questions](#questions)\n   - [Late Entry](#late-entry)\n- [Time Buyers](#-time-buyers)\n  - [Q\u0026A With Audience](#qa-with-audience)\n  - [One Liners](#one-liners)\n  \n**Contributors:**  Feel free to add your own lines or properly acredit other speakers who's material is notable.  This OS repo is meant as a guide of resources for everyone who's looking to equip themselves for the exciting world of public speaking.\n\n\u003chr\u003e\n\n## 🚫 Something Went Wrong \n\nThese lines are for situations where things go off the rails.  It's important in times like this to find a way to keep and guide the audience's attention.\n\n\u003cdetails\u003e\n\u003csummary\u003e\n\u003ch3\u003eStory or Joke Bombs\u003c/h3\u003e\n\u003c/summary\u003e\n\n* Pucker your lips and imitate a bugler playing Taps - [Dick Flavin](http://www.dickflavin.com/)\n* \"Here's another you might not care for\" - [Ron Dentinger](https://www.wcspeakers.com/speaker/ron-dentinger/)\n* \"That was a subliminal joke, you won't laugh, but your liminal thinks it's hilarious\" - _Anon_\n* Pretend to write in a journal and speak aloud, \"Never do that joke again\", then slam book - _Anon_\n* \"If silence is golden, that joke is worth abotu $40,000\" - [Alan Pease](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Allan_Pease)\n* Think of a person who's very likable and has a sense of humor, and then say \"That's the last time I ever do ______'s jokes\" - [Gant Laborde](https://gantlaborde.com/)\n* \"Services for that joke will be held 2pm on Sunday\" - Current Comedy Newsletter\n* \"It was nothing. You can tell by the applause.\" - [Tom Ogden](http://tomogden.com/)\n* \"Well, I've always been told that laughter is the best medicine. I guess that joke was more of a placebo.\" - [chatGPT](https://chat.openai.com/chat)\n\n\u003c/details\u003e\n\n\u003cdetails\u003e\n\u003csummary\u003e\n\u003ch3\u003eLate / Delay\u003c/h3\u003e\n\u003c/summary\u003e\n\n* \"Sorry I'm late. I circled the parking lot for an hour. There were plenty of parking saces, I was just scared to come in.\" - Current Comedy Newsletter\n* \"Don't pay the randsome! I've escaped!\" - [Ed McManus](https://www.linkedin.com/in/edward-c-mcmanus-285b54/recent-activity/posts/)\n* \"Sorry I'm late the parking lot was full and it took me quite a while to sell my car\" - [Terry Paulson](http://www.terrypaulson.com/)\n* \"My sundial needs new batteries\" - [Deanna Jean Brown](https://deannalifecoach.com/)\n\u003c/details\u003e\n\n\u003cdetails\u003e\n\u003csummary\u003e\n\u003ch3\u003eComputer Crashes\u003c/h3\u003e\n\u003c/summary\u003e\n\n* \"Looks like we've got a little glitch in the system. I guess that's what I get for using technology from the 90s.\" - [chatGPT](https://chat.openai.com/chat)\n* \"Well that's one way to make an exit\" - [Gant Laborde](https://gantlaborde.com/)\n* \"The rest of my presentation will be done via interpretive dance\" - _Anon_\n* Use the talk to justify the situation, if you're talking about how hard it is to do things in production say \"This is a prime example\" - [Swyx](https://twitter.com/swyx)\n* Utilize the competition in humorous blame, \"I guess the computer must prefer ________\" - [Kent C. Dodds](https://twitter.com/kentcdodds) based on a Barney Fife joke\n\u003c/details\u003e\n\n\u003cdetails\u003e\n\u003csummary\u003e\n\u003ch3\u003eFailing to Speak Clearly\u003c/h3\u003e\n\u003c/summary\u003e\n\n* \"To help you, the rest of my speech will be dubbed in English\" - [Terry Paulson](http://www.terrypaulson.com/)\n* \"Well I guess I hit the stumble button\" - [chatGPT](https://chat.openai.com/chat)\n* \"For a moment there, I thought I was at the Dentist\"  - [Gant Laborde](https://gantlaborde.com/)\n* \"Wow I seem to be rejecting this tongue transplant\" - [John Nisbet](https://www.imdb.com/name/nm3138424/)\n\n\u003c/details\u003e\n\n\u003cdetails\u003e\n\u003csummary\u003e\n\u003ch3\u003eSomeone Trips or Falls\u003c/h3\u003e\n\u003c/summary\u003e\n\n* \"All that money spent on breakdancing wasted!\" - [Gant Laborde](https://gantlaborde.com/)\n* \"Tah Dah!\" and put your hands in the air as if planned - [Terry Paulson](http://www.terrypaulson.com/)\n* \"Did you notice the world 'graceful' wasn't in my introduction?\" - [Terry Braverman](https://www.terrybraverman.com/)\n* \"OK, who planted the banana peel?\" - _Anon_\n* \"Hey, it's an acquired skill\" - [Bob Burg](https://burg.com/)\n* \"That's a strange place to put a speedbump\" - Current Comedy Newsletter\n* \"I could have sworn I fixed that\" - _Anon_\n* \"You'll have to forgive me, I haven't been myself today... I know some people are hoping I'll stay that way\" - [Leonard Ryzman](https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/1195337.Leonard_Ryzman)\n    \n\u003c/details\u003e\n\n\u003cdetails\u003e\n\u003csummary\u003e\n\u003ch3\u003eDisturbance or Distraction\u003c/h3\u003e\n\u003c/summary\u003e\n\n* \"I had a friend who died from a sneeze like that, of course, he was standing in his neighbor's closet\" - [Charles Jarvis](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charles_Jarvis_(businessman))\n* when an audience member makes a fowl sound, \"Is that accident or opinion?\" - [Alan Pease](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Allan_Pease)\n* audience members argue or talk loudly - \"I think the party you're looking for is down the hall\" - [W Mitchell](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/W_Mitchell)\n* microphone feedback, someone coughs loudly etc. just look disgruntled and say \"critics!\" - [Gant Laborde](https://gantlaborde.com/)\n* loud conversation - \"Oh good another speaker, I thought I was gonna have to do this alone\" - [Ron Dentinger](https://www.wcspeakers.com/speaker/ron-dentinger/)\n* \"You have the right to remain silent!\" - Jack Anderson\n* lound noises from people - \"Remember the days when alcoholics wanted to remain anonymous?\" - [Terry Brewer](https://www.interdependence.org/programs-speaker/terry-brewer/)\n* \"I'm flattered, but please save your applause for the end.\" - [chatGPT](https://chat.openai.com/chat)\n\u003c/details\u003e\n\n\n## 🧂 Speaker Seasoning\n\nLines to throw in to make your audience engage, excited, and keep things on the right foot.\n\n\u003cdetails\u003e\n\u003csummary\u003e\n\u003ch3\u003eOpeners\u003c/h3\u003e\n\u003c/summary\u003e\n\n* \"My father always said, if you want a room of people to listen to you, start off with a quote from me... thanks Dad\" - [Gant Laborde](https://gantlaborde.com/)\n* \"Last night I tried to eliminate anything in my speech that seemed in any way dull. So in conclusion...\" - [Terry Paulson](http://www.terrypaulson.com/)\n* \"Good evening, everyone. I'm honored to be here tonight, despite the fact that I'm pretty sure I got invited by mistake.\" - [chatGPT](https://chat.openai.com/chat)\n* After having some microphone issues, when verifying a microphone is live \"I know a Polish guy who's a great sound engineer, I also know a czek one too, check one two\" - Anon Joke - Gant Laborde used\n\u003c/details\u003e\n\n\u003cdetails\u003e\n\u003csummary\u003e\n\u003ch3\u003eEmcee\u003c/h3\u003e\n\u003c/summary\u003e\n\n* \"It takes guts to do what this person is going to do.  It also takes guts to be a an organ doner.\" - _Anon_\n* \"This next person just told me I have two faults. They think I'm bad at listening, and... something else.\" - _Anon_\n* \"Is everyone back from the break? If you're not back please raise your hand. (look around room)  If you're a rebel don't raise your hand. (crowd laughs) If you have telekenisis raise my hand. (fight your hand raising) Well done!\"  - [Gant Laborde](https://gantlaborde.com/)\n\u003c/details\u003e\n\n\u003cdetails\u003e\n\u003csummary\u003e\n\u003ch3\u003eClosers\u003c/h3\u003e\n\u003c/summary\u003e\n\n* \"I need to go. They don't even know I left the hospital.\" - [Gene Mitchener](https://twitter.com/sitdowncomic)\n* \"I see we have run out of time before I have run out of things to say - that's what you get when your speaker is a manic expressive!\" - [Lilly Walters](http://www.aboutonehandtyping.com/lilly.html)\n*Before I close and get my standing ovation...\" - [Mikki Williams](https://www.mikkiwilliams.com/)\n\u003c/details\u003e\n\n\u003cdetails\u003e\n\u003csummary\u003e\n\u003ch3\u003eQuestions\u003c/h3\u003e\n\u003c/summary\u003e\n\n* When no one answers \"Any questions? (silence) any second questions? - [Allen Klein](https://www.allenklein.com/)\n* When you don't like the question \"Please save all questions until I'm finished and well on my way home\" - Current Comedy Newsletter\n* \"Someone asked me that same question last week, and I'm going to dodge it the same way I did last time\" then move on - [Garry Apple](https://twitter.com/gapplesny)\n* When you can't hear the question, \"I used to have all the answers, now I don't even have the questions!\" - Eileen Mason\n* \"They say you get smarter when you know what you don't know, so I must be turning into a genius!\" - [Lilly Walters](http://www.aboutonehandtyping.com/lilly.html)\n* \"Hearing no questions, I guess that means my presentation was perfect!\" - [Gant Laborde](https://gantlaborde.com/)\n* \"Does anyone have any questions? Oh I do!\" _raising your own hand and ask yourself a question_ - [Barry Eigan](https://www.wcspeakers.com/speaker/barry-eigen/)\n* \"I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you. Were you asking for my autograph?\" - [chatGPT](https://chat.openai.com/chat)\n\u003c/details\u003e\n\n\u003cdetails\u003e\n\u003csummary\u003e\n\u003ch3\u003eLate Entry\u003c/h3\u003e\n\u003c/summary\u003e\n\n* In a cute manner, \"Did you bring a note from home?\" - [Mikki Williams](https://www.mikkiwilliams.com/)\n* \"About time you showed up, I was starting to think I was going to have to give the whole presentation myself.\" - [chatGPT](https://chat.openai.com/chat)\n* \"Everyone in the room just sang a song, now it's your turn\" - [Jimmy Calano](https://theinnovatorsforum.org/speaker/jimmy-calano)\n* Obviouysly end a ficticious story that is meant for the later arriver \"...And after I finished saving the bus full of orphans that's when president offered to make me King of the moon, which I humbly turned down. The End! Any questions?\" - [Gant Laborde](https://gantlaborde.com/)\n* \"You have to clean the erasers after class\" - [Tom Antion](https://www.espeakers.com/marketplace/profile/3536/Tom-Antion)\n* \"Oh great! I have to start all over again (sigh) Hi, my name is...\" - [Gene Mitchener](https://twitter.com/sitdowncomic)\n\n\u003c/details\u003e\n\n## ⌚ Time Buyers\n\nThese tricks help you buy time for when a computer crashes, an assistant is in the bathroom, or you simply don't know what else to say while something tests your audience's sweet attention.  \n\n\u003cdetails\u003e\n\u003csummary\u003e\n\u003ch3\u003eQ\u0026A With Audience\u003c/h3\u003e\n\u003c/summary\u003e\n\nQ: How do you make holy water?  \nA: You boil the \"hell\" out of it.\n\nQ: Why did the strawberry cry?\u003cbr\u003e\nA: Her mom and dad were in a jam.\n\nQ: What do you get when you boil your funny bone?\u003cbr\u003e\nA: A laughing stock.\n\nQ: If April showers bring May flowers, what do May Flowers bring?\u003cbr\u003e\nA: Pilgrims\n\nQ: Why is \"dark\" spelled with a \"K\"?\u003cbr\u003e\nA: You can't \"c\" in the dark.\n\nQ: Why did the electrician fall in love with every girl he ever met?\u003cbr\u003e\nA: He couldn't resistor.  WAT!?  That joke hertz\n\nQ: Why did the dog bowl always come in last?\u003cbr\u003e\nA: He was lapped.\n\nQ: How did the hacker escape the police?\u003cbr\u003e\nA: He ransomware\n\nQ: What do you call a magician who's lost his magic?\u003cbr\u003e\nA: Ian\n\nQ: What's the opposite of lady fingers?\u003cbr\u003e\nA: Mentos\n\nQ: What happens when you mix a joke with a rhetorical question?\u003cbr\u003e\nA: ...\n\nQ: Why can't the green pepper practice archery?\u003cbr\u003e\nA: Because he doesn't habanero.\n\nQ: What do you call a nosey pepper?\u003cbr\u003e\nA: Jalepino business\n\nQ: What do Europeans call bigfoot?\u003cbr\u003e\nA: Bigmeter\n\nQ: Where do take someone injured in a \"peekaboo\" accident?\u003cbr\u003e\nA: The ICU\n\nQ: Where do bad rainbows go?\u003cbr\u003e\nA: To prism.\n    \nQ: What's the difference between a duck and George Washington?\u003cbr\u003e\nA: One has a bill on his face, and the other has his face on a bill.\n    \nQ: What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?\u003cbr\u003e\nA: Sir Render.\n\nQ: Why are there always POP tarts but never MOM tarts?\u003cbr\u003e\nA: Because of the pastryarchy.\n\nQ: What sound does a 747 make when it lands?\u003cbr\u003e\nA: Boeing. Boeing. Boeing.\n\nQ: How do 37 mathematicians ride on a bus with 36 seats?\u003cbr\u003e\nA: They carry the 1.\n    \nQ: They’re currently excavating the largest known dinosaur tibia to date.\u003cbr\u003e\nA: It's a real shindig.\n\nQ: I told a joke in a zoom meeting and no one laughed.\nA: Turns out I'm not remotely funny.\n    \nQ: Why do cows wear bells?\u003cbr\u003e\nA: Because their horns don't work.\n\nQ: What do you call a line of people waiting for haircuts?\u003cbr\u003e\nA: A barberqueue.\n\u003c/details\u003e\n\n\u003cdetails\u003e\n\u003csummary\u003e\n\u003ch3\u003eOne Liners\u003c/h3\u003e\n\u003c/summary\u003e\n\n* I've been told some people don't like my cheesey jokes, I guess they are \"LAUGH\"tose intolerant.\n* My sweater was picking up a lot of static electricity, so I returned it for another one free of charge.\n* Brain transplants don't work, you can't change my mind.\n* It doesn’t matter if you’re tall, short, thin, fat, rich, poor. At the end of the day, it’s night.\n* I broke my 1 meter ruler and I'm really upset.  They don't make them any longer.\n* I feel like we're automating too much these days.  All in favor say \"AI\".\n* My wife told me to take out the spider instead of killing it.  Nice guy, he finds bugs in web design.\n* The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a tune.  The Chick Peas can only hummus one.\n* I haven't spoken to _________ in over a year... I didn't want to interrupt.\n* People who sell meat are gross, but people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.\n* You're born with 4 knees, but as you grow up two of them become adult knees.\n* To the person who stole my antidepressants: I hope you're happy now!\n* There's no such thing as training to be a trash collector... you just pick it up as you go along.\n* I used to be poor and young, but after the past 20yrs I'm no longer young\n* I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.\n* I have a fear of overly intricate buildings. I have a complex complex complex.\n* Due to a noise complaint in Hawaii, you’re not allowed to laugh OVER a certain decibel.  Now you can only use a low ha\n* I bought a dog from a blacksmith. 5 minutes after we got home the dog made a bolt for the door.\n* I just quit my job at the helium factory. I won’t be spoken to in that tone.\n* I have a fear of speedbumps, but I'm slowly getting over it.\n* I have a fear of elevators but I'm taking steps to avoid them.\n* Prison walls are never built to scale.\n* I have a friend who always skips a letter in the alphabet and never says \"Y\"\n* My boss asked me why I only get sick on week days. I said \"I don't know. It must be my weekend immune system.\"\n\u003c/details\u003e\n","project_url":"https://awesome.ecosyste.ms/api/v1/projects/github.com%2FGantMan%2FPublic_Speaking_Hits","html_url":"https://awesome.ecosyste.ms/projects/github.com%2FGantMan%2FPublic_Speaking_Hits","lists_url":"https://awesome.ecosyste.ms/api/v1/projects/github.com%2FGantMan%2FPublic_Speaking_Hits/lists"}