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https://github.com/NARKOZ/hacker-scripts

Based on a true story
https://github.com/NARKOZ/hacker-scripts

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Based on a true story

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English | [简体中文](./README.zh-CN.md)



# Hacker Scripts



Based on a _[true

story](https://www.jitbit.com/alexblog/249-now-thats-what-i-call-a-hacker/)_:



> xxx: OK, so, our build engineer has left for another company. The dude was literally living inside the terminal. You know, that type of a guy who loves Vim, creates diagrams in Dot and writes wiki-posts in Markdown... If something - anything - requires more than 90 seconds of his time, he writes a script to automate that.



> xxx: So we're sitting here, looking through his, uhm, "legacy"



> xxx: You're gonna love this



> xxx: [`smack-my-bitch-up.sh`](https://github.com/NARKOZ/hacker-scripts/blob/master/smack-my-bitch-up.sh) - sends a text message "late at work" to his wife (apparently). Automatically picks reasons from an array of strings, randomly. Runs inside a cron-job. The job fires if there are active SSH-sessions on the server after 9pm with his login.



> xxx: [`kumar-asshole.sh`](https://github.com/NARKOZ/hacker-scripts/blob/master/kumar-asshole.sh) - scans the inbox for emails from "Kumar" (a DBA at our clients). Looks for keywords like "help", "trouble", "sorry" etc. If keywords are found - the script SSHes into the clients server and rolls back the staging database to the latest backup. Then sends a reply "no worries mate, be careful next time".



> xxx: [`hangover.sh`](https://github.com/NARKOZ/hacker-scripts/blob/master/hangover.sh) - another cron-job that is set to specific dates. Sends automated emails like "not feeling well/gonna work from home" etc. Adds a random "reason" from another predefined array of strings. Fires if there are no interactive sessions on the server at 8:45am.



> xxx: (and the oscar goes to) [`fucking-coffee.sh`](https://github.com/NARKOZ/hacker-scripts/blob/master/fucking-coffee.sh) - this one waits exactly 17 seconds (!), then opens a telnet session to our coffee-machine (we had no frikin idea the coffee machine is on the network, runs linux and has a TCP socket up and running) and sends something like `sys brew`. Turns out this thing starts brewing a mid-sized half-caf latte and waits another 24 (!) seconds before pouring it into a cup. The timing is exactly how long it takes to walk to the machine from the dudes desk.



> xxx: holy sh*t I'm keeping those



Original: http://bash.im/quote/436725 (in Russian)  (Archive.org [link](https://web.archive.org/web/20210226092253/http://bash.im/quote/436725))

Pull requests with other implementations (Python, Perl, Shell, etc) are welcome.



## Usage



You need these environment variables:



```sh

# used in `smack-my-bitch-up` and `hangover` scripts

TWILIO_ACCOUNT_SID=ACxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

TWILIO_AUTH_TOKEN=yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy



# used in `kumar_asshole` script

[email protected]

GMAIL_PASSWORD=password

```



For Ruby scripts you need to install gems:

`gem install dotenv twilio-ruby gmail`



## Cron jobs



```sh

# Runs `smack-my-bitch-up.sh` monday to friday at 9:20 pm.

20 21 * * 1-5 /path/to/scripts/smack-my-bitch-up.sh >> /path/to/smack-my-bitch-up.log 2>&1



# Runs `hangover.sh` monday to friday at 8:45 am.

45 8 * * 1-5 /path/to/scripts/hangover.sh >> /path/to/hangover.log 2>&1



# Runs `kumar-asshole.sh` every 10 minutes.

*/10 * * * * /path/to/scripts/kumar-asshole.sh



# Runs `fucking-coffee.sh` hourly from 9am to 6pm on weekdays.

0 9-18 * * 1-5 /path/to/scripts/fucking-coffee.sh

```



---

Code is released under WTFPL.