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https://github.com/shlomif/missile-vs-melee-take-three

"Queen Amidala vs. The Klingon Warriors" - an enhanced/modernised version of the David and Goliath story set in a fanfic crossoverred Star Trek and Star Wars universe. "Why can't we have both?" (CC-by)
https://github.com/shlomif/missile-vs-melee-take-three

action creative-commons david fanfiction hacking hacktoberfest jedis klingons klingons-warriors star-trek star-wars

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"Queen Amidala vs. The Klingon Warriors" - an enhanced/modernised version of the David and Goliath story set in a fanfic crossoverred Star Trek and Star Wars universe. "Why can't we have both?" (CC-by)

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# Queen Amidala vs. the Klingon Warriors (David and Goliath modernisation)



This is an idea for a next logical evolution of

[David vs. Goliath](https://www.shlomifish.org/philosophy/philosophy/putting-all-cards-on-the-table-2013/DocBook5/putting-all-cards-on-the-table-2013/david_and_goliath.xhtml) / [Indiana Jones' gun vs. swordsman scene](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7YyBtMxZgQs) / missile weapon vs. melee story structure.



## The Story



Tacos photo by JeffreyW



[Queen Padmé Amidala](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Padm%C3%A9_Amidala) (Star Wars Ep. 1) is in a corridor with the young [Obi-Wan Kenobi](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Obi-Wan_Kenobi) and his jedi mentor ( [Qui-Gon Jinn](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Qui-Gon_Jinn) ) guarding her with light sabers. On the ends there are two armored but unarmed [Klingon](https://memory-alpha.fandom.com/wiki/Klingon) (Star Trek) warriors who fight against a metric ton of "throwaway" lightsabered jedi warriors who rush from the middle to try to take the malevolent Klingons out of the equation somehow. The Klingons have immense strength, agility, and stamina, and use basic and advanced martial arts tactics: kicking the jedis in the crotch; poking their eyes out, stabbing them with their own lightsabers, pushing them onto each other's laser swords in cascade, etc.



Eventually the lesser Jedis are all dead or wounded, and the Klingons rush towards the trio screaming battle cries. The queen looks startled and frightened while Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon are trying to prepare tensely and without much hope to win.



The queen's face becomes tense and focused, she pulls two small crossbows from

her waist, looks to her right, aims, and shoots an arrow at the Klingon

warrior's forehead; then she turns her head to the left, aims and shoots. The

crossbows' arrows pass through the two Klingons' warriors foreheads, who

quickly faint and fall forward, dead.



The two Jedis protagonists are relieved, laugh, disable their lightsabers' laser blades, high five and huggle the queen. The queen smiles, hands them the crossbows to study and they examine one crossbow each, discussing them with the queen.



A tagline appears on the screen as a mock commercial:



**PersonalQrossBow's 2-in-1 Pocketbow kit. Why not have both?** ( https://www.buzzfeed.com/alexlee/porque-no-los-dos )



### Note:



PersonalQrossBow is not a real firm as far as we know, and while being a fan of some tacos, I

have not tried the ones in the original commercial, nor did I receive money from

Old El Paso. Nevertheless, I respect and admire their good marketing,

and believe that marketing has been unnecessarily demonised, as it is essential for the success of

your "product" (for lack of a better word) or digital work. Hearing about the meme has

proven a catalyst for writing this story.



In addition, I hereby request [Old El Paso](https://www.oldelpaso.com/) to not sue me,

and if they wish to compensate me for the free publicity, to donate instead to any

one or more of the following organisations:



1. [Organization for Transformative Works](https://www.transformativeworks.org/)

2. [Creative Commons](https://creativecommons.org/)

3. [Free (and open source) Software Foundation](https://www.fsf.org/)

4. [The Electronic Frontier Foundation](https://www.eff.org/)

5. [The Israeli Science Fiction and Fantasy NPO](https://www.sf-f.org.il/en/)

6. [Hamakor - The Israeli FOSS NPO](https://www.hamakor.org.il/)

7. [Mozilla](https://www.mozilla.org/en-US/)

8. Any of the non-commercial [FOSS operating systems](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Free_and_open-source_software) .



Other people and organizations are welcome to pay me directly using either PayPal

or [SWIFT](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Society_for_Worldwide_Interbank_Financial_Telecommunication).



## Licence



![Shlomi Fish’s "EvilPHish" emblem (originally from userfriendly.org)](./evilphish-shlomif-emblem.png)

[CC-BY-4.0](https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/) by Shlomi Fish ( https://www.shlomifish.org/ ) 2020,

but uses characters and concepts from proprietary franchises.



Share, enjoy, relicense, build derivatives or do whatever else you want, as long

as you [provide attribution](https://www.shlomifish.org/meta/copyrights/#cc_by_intr).



The original sources can be found on a [GitHub git repository](https://github.com/shlomif/missile-vs-melee-take-three).



## Dedication



This story is dedicated to the memory of [Christina Grimmie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christina_Grimmie) (1994-2016),

a remarkable singer and youtuber, who was killed at age 22 by a fan who was obsessed with her, who almost immediately committed suicide himself.



## Reflections



I think almost every young-at-heart lady (of almost any age) can be the queen and, after

some amount of hacking, also every young-at-heart gentleman (e.g: by replacing her with

[young Anakin Skywalker](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Anakin_Skywalker)).



That put aside, I'd love to see the queen played by [Tiffany Alvord](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tiffany_Alvord),

who is a singer, songwriter and budding actress, who has testified to be

shy in real-life and has a good girl image (while often being spectacularly bold and

magnetic in her music videos) play Queen Amidala here. I think she has a "badass asskicker"

side to her personality (e.g [in this video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3gxvMi6yekg)

and [this one](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kihnB6M4Hzs)) and you can

[kick ass non-violently and non-destructively](https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/Summerschool-at-the-NSA/).



----



A friend noted that some people may be angry by mixing up Star Wars and Star Trek,

but he was amused. If you want to be even angrier, see [this image macro](https://absurdlynerdly.wordpress.com/2011/10/19/use-the-force-harry/).



----



The ironic thing about the story is that any of the expendable jedis could

have thrown his lightsaber like a spear at his respective klingon's necks. I'm planning

to use this fact at a self-rebuttal in which Amidala handles the situation

using [Saladin-style](http://shlomifishswiki.branchable.com/Saladin_Style/)

benevolent psychological warfare without any bloodshed.



----



I decided to use crossbows instead of [Star Wars' laser

blasters](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Blaster/Legends) for the ranged

weapons for the extra "back-to-basics" effect. An online friend agreed that it

is a good idea, but your kilometrage may vary.



----



This is likely not going to be the final word in the missile-vs-melee theme. You

can read my interpretation of the significance of the original tale in

[a section of an essay](https://www.shlomifish.org/philosophy/philosophy/putting-all-cards-on-the-table-2013/DocBook5/putting-all-cards-on-the-table-2013/david_and_goliath.xhtml).



Now that I have the foreknowledge, reading [the original tale](https://www.sacred-texts.com/bib/tan/sa1017.htm)

courtesy of [sacred-texts.com](https://www.sacred-texts.com/bib/tan/sa1017.htm) (in

the original Biblical Hebrew) makes it read better.



----



If you believe I should not have used elements from 3rd party franchises,

or that I should have only used elements from the [Jewish "Torah"](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Torah)

, I advise you to read and follow the links from my

["make your own kind of music"](https://www.shlomifish.org/philosophy/philosophy/putting-cards-on-the-table-2019-2020/putting-cards-on-the-table-2019-2020/make-your-own-kind-of-music.xhtml)

mini essay. That put aside, if you think you can make better music, either

based on mine or not, then go for it.



----



I am well aware that the Indiana Jones Gun scene was motivated by an accident.

However, to quote [Master Oogway](https://kungfupanda.fandom.com/wiki/Oogway)

from the film [Kung Fu Panda (1)](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kung_Fu_Panda_%28film%29)

(which I can recommend), "There are no accidents". Often they happen because

we planned or desired them or were careless, hubrisful, or foolish. One of

[my factoids](https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/) reads

Chuck Norris round house kicks doors open instead of using their keys. Summer Glau makes sure doors are open using her mind..



----



Judging by duckduckgo reddit searches, there has been an unwritten taboo against Star Trek and Star

Wars crossovers. [Fuck that!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ROZjaxT_0Hw). Why can't we have both?

😉.



----



In my opinion, the David vs Goliath / etc. story is more about how being a hero

implies hacking/rule bending, challenging your premises and keeping deciding to

think. I play https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Game_(mind_game) to lose, and I

lost it again now! You don't have to announce (tweet/etc.) every loss though.



## Thanks and Credits



[Bandali](https://github.com/notbandali) for introducing me to the ["Porque no los dos" (= "Why can't we have both?")](https://www.buzzfeed.com/alexlee/porque-no-los-dos) meme, which was one of

the final catalysts for writing this.



[jeffreyw's original "Mmm...Tacos" photo](https://www.flickr.com/photos/7927684@N03/6306095903)

- under CC-by 2.0. Thanks!



## Coverage



* [/r/startrek](https://www.reddit.com/r/startrek/comments/k92d0q/queen_amidala_and_the_klingon_warriors_a_short/)