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https://github.com/GantMan/Public_Speaking_Hits

A Helpful list of quick and useful public speaking lines
https://github.com/GantMan/Public_Speaking_Hits

conference emcee mc presentations public-speaking

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A Helpful list of quick and useful public speaking lines

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README 

        
Public Speaking Hits








A Helpful list of quick and useful public speaking lines.



# Table of Contents

- [Something Went Wrong](#-something-went-wrong)

    - [Story or Joke Bombs](#story-or-joke-bombs)

    - [Computer Crashes](#computer-crashes)

    - [Failing to Speak Clearly](#failing-to-speak-clearly)

    - [Someone Trips or Falls](#someone-trips-or-falls)

    - [Disturbance or Distraction](#disturbance-or-distraction)

- [Speaker Seasoning](#-speaker-seasoning)

   - [Openers](#openers)

   - [Emcee](#emcee)

   - [Closers](#closers)

   - [Questions](#questions)

   - [Late Entry](#late-entry)

- [Time Buyers](#-time-buyers)

  - [Q&A With Audience](#qa-with-audience)

  - [One Liners](#one-liners)

  

**Contributors:**  Feel free to add your own lines or properly acredit other speakers who's material is notable.  This OS repo is meant as a guide of resources for everyone who's looking to equip themselves for the exciting world of public speaking.






## 🚫 Something Went Wrong 



These lines are for situations where things go off the rails.  It's important in times like this to find a way to keep and guide the audience's attention.



Story or Joke Bombs



* Pucker your lips and imitate a bugler playing Taps - [Dick Flavin](http://www.dickflavin.com/)

* "Here's another you might not care for" - [Ron Dentinger](https://www.wcspeakers.com/speaker/ron-dentinger/)

* "That was a subliminal joke, you won't laugh, but your liminal thinks it's hilarious" - _Anon_

* Pretend to write in a journal and speak aloud, "Never do that joke again", then slam book - _Anon_

* "If silence is golden, that joke is worth abotu $40,000" - [Alan Pease](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Allan_Pease)

* Think of a person who's very likable and has a sense of humor, and then say "That's the last time I ever do ______'s jokes" - [Gant Laborde](https://gantlaborde.com/)

* "Services for that joke will be held 2pm on Sunday" - Current Comedy Newsletter

* "It was nothing. You can tell by the applause." - [Tom Ogden](http://tomogden.com/)

* "Well, I've always been told that laughter is the best medicine. I guess that joke was more of a placebo." - [chatGPT](https://chat.openai.com/chat)



Late / Delay



* "Sorry I'm late. I circled the parking lot for an hour. There were plenty of parking saces, I was just scared to come in." - Current Comedy Newsletter

* "Don't pay the randsome! I've escaped!" - [Ed McManus](https://www.linkedin.com/in/edward-c-mcmanus-285b54/recent-activity/posts/)

* "Sorry I'm late the parking lot was full and it took me quite a while to sell my car" - [Terry Paulson](http://www.terrypaulson.com/)

* "My sundial needs new batteries" - [Deanna Jean Brown](https://deannalifecoach.com/)



Computer Crashes



* "Looks like we've got a little glitch in the system. I guess that's what I get for using technology from the 90s." - [chatGPT](https://chat.openai.com/chat)

* "Well that's one way to make an exit" - [Gant Laborde](https://gantlaborde.com/)

* "The rest of my presentation will be done via interpretive dance" - _Anon_

* Use the talk to justify the situation, if you're talking about how hard it is to do things in production say "This is a prime example" - [Swyx](https://twitter.com/swyx)

* Utilize the competition in humorous blame, "I guess the computer must prefer ________" - [Kent C. Dodds](https://twitter.com/kentcdodds) based on a Barney Fife joke



Failing to Speak Clearly



* "To help you, the rest of my speech will be dubbed in English" - [Terry Paulson](http://www.terrypaulson.com/)

* "Well I guess I hit the stumble button" - [chatGPT](https://chat.openai.com/chat)

* "For a moment there, I thought I was at the Dentist"  - [Gant Laborde](https://gantlaborde.com/)

* "Wow I seem to be rejecting this tongue transplant" - [John Nisbet](https://www.imdb.com/name/nm3138424/)



Someone Trips or Falls



* "All that money spent on breakdancing wasted!" - [Gant Laborde](https://gantlaborde.com/)

* "Tah Dah!" and put your hands in the air as if planned - [Terry Paulson](http://www.terrypaulson.com/)

* "Did you notice the world 'graceful' wasn't in my introduction?" - [Terry Braverman](https://www.terrybraverman.com/)

* "OK, who planted the banana peel?" - _Anon_

* "Hey, it's an acquired skill" - [Bob Burg](https://burg.com/)

* "That's a strange place to put a speedbump" - Current Comedy Newsletter

* "I could have sworn I fixed that" - _Anon_

* "You'll have to forgive me, I haven't been myself today... I know some people are hoping I'll stay that way" - [Leonard Ryzman](https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/1195337.Leonard_Ryzman)

    



Disturbance or Distraction



* "I had a friend who died from a sneeze like that, of course, he was standing in his neighbor's closet" - [Charles Jarvis](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charles_Jarvis_(businessman))

* when an audience member makes a fowl sound, "Is that accident or opinion?" - [Alan Pease](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Allan_Pease)

* audience members argue or talk loudly - "I think the party you're looking for is down the hall" - [W Mitchell](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/W_Mitchell)

* microphone feedback, someone coughs loudly etc. just look disgruntled and say "critics!" - [Gant Laborde](https://gantlaborde.com/)

* loud conversation - "Oh good another speaker, I thought I was gonna have to do this alone" - [Ron Dentinger](https://www.wcspeakers.com/speaker/ron-dentinger/)

* "You have the right to remain silent!" - Jack Anderson

* lound noises from people - "Remember the days when alcoholics wanted to remain anonymous?" - [Terry Brewer](https://www.interdependence.org/programs-speaker/terry-brewer/)

* "I'm flattered, but please save your applause for the end." - [chatGPT](https://chat.openai.com/chat)



## 🧂 Speaker Seasoning



Lines to throw in to make your audience engage, excited, and keep things on the right foot.



Openers



* "My father always said, if you want a room of people to listen to you, start off with a quote from me... thanks Dad" - [Gant Laborde](https://gantlaborde.com/)

* "Last night I tried to eliminate anything in my speech that seemed in any way dull. So in conclusion..." - [Terry Paulson](http://www.terrypaulson.com/)

* "Good evening, everyone. I'm honored to be here tonight, despite the fact that I'm pretty sure I got invited by mistake." - [chatGPT](https://chat.openai.com/chat)

* After having some microphone issues, when verifying a microphone is live "I know a Polish guy who's a great sound engineer, I also know a czek one too, check one two" - Anon Joke - Gant Laborde used



Emcee



* "It takes guts to do what this person is going to do.  It also takes guts to be a an organ doner." - _Anon_

* "This next person just told me I have two faults. They think I'm bad at listening, and... something else." - _Anon_

* "Is everyone back from the break? If you're not back please raise your hand. (look around room)  If you're a rebel don't raise your hand. (crowd laughs) If you have telekenisis raise my hand. (fight your hand raising) Well done!"  - [Gant Laborde](https://gantlaborde.com/)



Closers



* "I need to go. They don't even know I left the hospital." - [Gene Mitchener](https://twitter.com/sitdowncomic)

* "I see we have run out of time before I have run out of things to say - that's what you get when your speaker is a manic expressive!" - [Lilly Walters](http://www.aboutonehandtyping.com/lilly.html)

*Before I close and get my standing ovation..." - [Mikki Williams](https://www.mikkiwilliams.com/)



Questions



* When no one answers "Any questions? (silence) any second questions? - [Allen Klein](https://www.allenklein.com/)

* When you don't like the question "Please save all questions until I'm finished and well on my way home" - Current Comedy Newsletter

* "Someone asked me that same question last week, and I'm going to dodge it the same way I did last time" then move on - [Garry Apple](https://twitter.com/gapplesny)

* When you can't hear the question, "I used to have all the answers, now I don't even have the questions!" - Eileen Mason

* "They say you get smarter when you know what you don't know, so I must be turning into a genius!" - [Lilly Walters](http://www.aboutonehandtyping.com/lilly.html)

* "Hearing no questions, I guess that means my presentation was perfect!" - [Gant Laborde](https://gantlaborde.com/)

* "Does anyone have any questions? Oh I do!" _raising your own hand and ask yourself a question_ - [Barry Eigan](https://www.wcspeakers.com/speaker/barry-eigen/)

* "I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you. Were you asking for my autograph?" - [chatGPT](https://chat.openai.com/chat)



Late Entry



* In a cute manner, "Did you bring a note from home?" - [Mikki Williams](https://www.mikkiwilliams.com/)

* "About time you showed up, I was starting to think I was going to have to give the whole presentation myself." - [chatGPT](https://chat.openai.com/chat)

* "Everyone in the room just sang a song, now it's your turn" - [Jimmy Calano](https://theinnovatorsforum.org/speaker/jimmy-calano)

* Obviouysly end a ficticious story that is meant for the later arriver "...And after I finished saving the bus full of orphans that's when president offered to make me King of the moon, which I humbly turned down. The End! Any questions?" - [Gant Laborde](https://gantlaborde.com/)

* "You have to clean the erasers after class" - [Tom Antion](https://www.espeakers.com/marketplace/profile/3536/Tom-Antion)

* "Oh great! I have to start all over again (sigh) Hi, my name is..." - [Gene Mitchener](https://twitter.com/sitdowncomic)



## ⌚ Time Buyers



These tricks help you buy time for when a computer crashes, an assistant is in the bathroom, or you simply don't know what else to say while something tests your audience's sweet attention.  



Q&A With Audience



Q: How do you make holy water?  

A: You boil the "hell" out of it.



Q: Why did the strawberry cry?


A: Her mom and dad were in a jam.



Q: What do you get when you boil your funny bone?


A: A laughing stock.



Q: If April showers bring May flowers, what do May Flowers bring?


A: Pilgrims



Q: Why is "dark" spelled with a "K"?


A: You can't "c" in the dark.



Q: Why did the electrician fall in love with every girl he ever met?


A: He couldn't resistor.  WAT!?  That joke hertz



Q: Why did the dog bowl always come in last?


A: He was lapped.



Q: How did the hacker escape the police?


A: He ransomware



Q: What do you call a magician who's lost his magic?


A: Ian



Q: What's the opposite of lady fingers?


A: Mentos



Q: What happens when you mix a joke with a rhetorical question?


A: ...



Q: Why can't the green pepper practice archery?


A: Because he doesn't habanero.



Q: What do you call a nosey pepper?


A: Jalepino business



Q: What do Europeans call bigfoot?


A: Bigmeter



Q: Where do take someone injured in a "peekaboo" accident?


A: The ICU



Q: Where do bad rainbows go?


A: To prism.

    

Q: What's the difference between a duck and George Washington?


A: One has a bill on his face, and the other has his face on a bill.

    

Q: What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?


A: Sir Render.



Q: Why are there always POP tarts but never MOM tarts?


A: Because of the pastryarchy.



Q: What sound does a 747 make when it lands?


A: Boeing. Boeing. Boeing.



Q: How do 37 mathematicians ride on a bus with 36 seats?


A: They carry the 1.

    

Q: They’re currently excavating the largest known dinosaur tibia to date.


A: It's a real shindig.



Q: I told a joke in a zoom meeting and no one laughed.

A: Turns out I'm not remotely funny.

    

Q: Why do cows wear bells?


A: Because their horns don't work.



Q: What do you call a line of people waiting for haircuts?


A: A barberqueue.



One Liners



* I've been told some people don't like my cheesey jokes, I guess they are "LAUGH"tose intolerant.

* My sweater was picking up a lot of static electricity, so I returned it for another one free of charge.

* Brain transplants don't work, you can't change my mind.

* It doesn’t matter if you’re tall, short, thin, fat, rich, poor. At the end of the day, it’s night.

* I broke my 1 meter ruler and I'm really upset.  They don't make them any longer.

* I feel like we're automating too much these days.  All in favor say "AI".

* My wife told me to take out the spider instead of killing it.  Nice guy, he finds bugs in web design.

* The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a tune.  The Chick Peas can only hummus one.

* I haven't spoken to _________ in over a year... I didn't want to interrupt.

* People who sell meat are gross, but people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.

* You're born with 4 knees, but as you grow up two of them become adult knees.

* To the person who stole my antidepressants: I hope you're happy now!

* There's no such thing as training to be a trash collector... you just pick it up as you go along.

* I used to be poor and young, but after the past 20yrs I'm no longer young

* I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

* I have a fear of overly intricate buildings. I have a complex complex complex.

* Due to a noise complaint in Hawaii, you’re not allowed to laugh OVER a certain decibel.  Now you can only use a low ha

* I bought a dog from a blacksmith. 5 minutes after we got home the dog made a bolt for the door.

* I just quit my job at the helium factory. I won’t be spoken to in that tone.

* I have a fear of speedbumps, but I'm slowly getting over it.

* I have a fear of elevators but I'm taking steps to avoid them.

* Prison walls are never built to scale.

* I have a friend who always skips a letter in the alphabet and never says "Y"

* My boss asked me why I only get sick on week days. I said "I don't know. It must be my weekend immune system."